Fragments of BABY

Art by Kotoha Tanaka

I want to see you and I don't want you to know who I am. We’d meet, simply. I'd be the barista at your favorite coffee shop. You, Baby, would smile so nicely and put a bill in the tip jar. Not for me, it's just something you do. You tip, you giggle, you make eye contact, you treat me like a human. I would notice you on the first day, you would barely catalog my face. Though after seeing me enough, you would start to smile and I would push it into conversation. Baby, it would be so easy, don't you think? I could start it, and I would start it like him. I can talk like a narcissist. I can make raunchy advances. I could make it feel like you're still with him, I promise. 

Baby, I have to confess. You dictate my type in women. I want classy and petite. I want femininity. I want dark brown hair and symmetry. I want her to be half you and half me. I want her to have your affectionate abilities, I assume you have them. Besides that, I don’t know the difference between you and me. Quirky, unloved, and within reach. We share everything, Baby! We know him. Sometimes I can't differentiate your facial features from his. Your noses are completely different, but the dark hair and eyes fuel the resemblance. I remember he posted about you and a friend commented, “Siblings or dating” and he just said yes. 

Stalking is the most beautiful act of love. And I know, I know that you might not even know about me, but if you did or if you do, do you ever want to stalk me, Baby? I won’t lie, I do try to lure you in. I keep my account public. I don’t post as much as I should, but there’s enough to look at. There is a rabbit hole to fall down, and all I want to know is if you’ve ever been tempted. I mean, I get so excited to see his last girlfriend’s profile pop up as a viewer of my page. I am her baby and I bathe in the proof that she is still sucked in, that she also participates in my strain of voyeurism. Baby, do you watch me like I watch you? The same way she watches me too?

He told me he had a giant kink or a kink for giants- you get it. He searches out women who are too big for him and compresses them. I always thought I was too big for him in every way. I wasn’t contained enough for him. But I don’t think you're a giant, not literally. No, Baby, I don’t think that. He thinks so. I’m innocent, but Baby, I wanna say something. If you’re a giant, be one, like I am. Be big and shitty- I want an accomplice. I need someone to be so big, someone who is just as oversaturated as I am. I want you to think about something. I want you to think about killing him. How would you do it? I would slit his wrists, make him suffer just like I did. I would make it public. I want him to bleed, and I want people to see it. But Baby, you're so subtle, you would never make it so giant. No, no, no, you are innocent. I would kill him. You would leave so quietly that he would regret it. Your silence would demand respect. I wish I could do that. God, Baby, I wish I weren't a giant.

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If I had an extra $2,000, I would buy a kiln, crawl inside, and cremate myself. But I am too poor to kill myself the way I want. It might be fun to crush myself with an anvil, but I’ve never been timely, and there are no anvil stores in Brooklyn. I can thrift a cheap one and bring it to your place. #GAINS #CREMATION

I could be fossilized, that’s free. Like an earthworm encrusted in concrete. I would make sure I'm lying on my side like I did sleeping in your bed. With my arms pulled in. 

Let me huff all your spray paint and start your cars in an enclosed space. Your garage is okay, but park them in the pantry, and I’ll die happy. #PRINGLES

Poison has always been attractive, but overdose is overdone in my family. I might do it like Little D and lick up antifreeze out from under the Honda. My childhood kitty, naively named, curled up and died on top of the hood the next day. 

My best bet is emaciation. And the last place I want to throw up is your toilet with my pants undone. Set the date, I’m breaking in. #DALLAS 

Vacuum seal me, please. You have a big Shop-Vac, and I have a baggie.

I'm still considering transportation, but not a bus or train. A pogo stick that launches me into eternal space. And somewhere along the atmosphere, I will burn up and become carbon. I love carbon. I will become air and enter your lungs. #ORGANICHAUNTING

2 AM, I hear your gun cock and remember I’m in Texas. I laugh because I didn't think I would do it, but my bones hurt, and the tile on your floor is cold. I would stay in this room during a tornado. It's all interior walls. Not one window. 

If I were strong enough to be a killer, I might get caught on purpose. Suicide by cop sounds lovely. #CRIMINALMINDS #NCIS

Just let me throw up. Let the toilet water splash back and hit my forehead. You break in. So hard the doorknob hits the drywall. I retch too loud, and you shoot me in the head. 

I died young, bury me how the song says. With satin and roses and the river and putty filling in the hole in my face. #INNOCENCE 

Megan Butler

Art by Kotoha Tanaka