By Jett Jenkins
Art by Jordan Morales
Did you hear Oasis is getting back together? Should we get tickets at the box office? Should we throw a party? Should we invite Damon Albarn? Should we wait for hours on Ticketmaster for them to be sold out and overpriced? Should we log off?
Should we bring back hashtags and casual Instagram if everything is reverting in time? Should we wear full-beat makeup and watch amateur MUAs on YouTube? Should we go to the Lara Lee meet-up at the Westfield Mall? Should we subconsciously repeat every trend from the 2010s? Should we still call Meredith Brooks a bitch? Should we start blogging and romanticize bodily harm to ourselves? Should we log off?
Should we trauma dump online for attention and sympathy? Should we start making (branded) Tik-Toks so we can buy a house in the Hamptons? Should we compare our notes app list to see who’s been to cooler concerts? Should we turn a fictional man into a teenage girl and call him “baby girl?” Should we become influencers so we can make our own Erewhon smoothies? Should we believe listening to Phoebe Bridgers will ever make us happy? Should we comment “micro trend final boss” on posts because someone expresses their style? Should we make Substack the new Tumblr? Should we consider Lolita “romantic” and “aesthetic?” Should we post Ragebait to get more engagement and views? Should we log off?
Should we make ASL stand for Age/ Sex/ Location again? Should we bring back text slang into daily conversations? Should we tweet explicit images generated by artificial intelligence? Should we call Chinatown Dimes Square because it’s a trending word? Should we follow niche New York Instagram accounts because they’re funny but disregard zionists who run them? Should we go to Bushwick because we see everyone on TikTok talking about it? Should we avoid Bushwick because there is a possible serial killer at the Brooklyn Mirage? Should we wear jorts? Should we wear bows on every item of clothing? Should we smoke cigarettes because it’s “coquette”? Should we wear suede for fall because it’s all over social media? Should we bring back skinny jeans and 2014? Should we log off?
Should we ruin someone’s entire life and career because of something they did when they were ten? Should we make our Sims have sex when we’re too young to know it even is? Should we categorize Gone Girl as female empowerment? Should we keep the manosphere running so incel men can feel validated in their misogynistic beliefs and ideals of sexual violence? Wait. What the fuck, I’m sorry. L8R.
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