My Guide to the Perfect Cozy Restaurants for a Scorpio Birthday (If You Don't Wanna Look Like a F#cking Loser)

I read an article that estimated it would take about 23 years to eat at every restaurant in New York City. The discovery of this instantly led me to feel pure pity for anyone who hasn't started planning their birthday. Unlike these common idiots I’ve had my birthday, coming up next July, planned since last August.   Thankfully for my forward thinking and superior planning skills, I decided as a profound act of service for all the Scorpios of New York City it only made sense to put together a list of the coziest and chicest restaurants in the city to  celebrate the most fabulous person in your life: you.

My credentials on why you should obviously listen to me are firstly and most importantly, my impeccable Instagram (@IMTHEEONEANDONLYHOTTESTCOOLESTGIRL/INSTA/FOLLOWME.COM) that serves as proof that even if the food isn’t the best you’ll at least get some phenomenal birthday photos. Who better to listen to than a seasoned influencer like me. Second, I consider my own birthday a national holiday and have successfully planned the best event for myself and my friends for 21 years now. Third, I consider birthday dinners a necessary act of christening your birthday, and yes every year. On a trip? Birthday dinner. Spending your birthday with family?  Go to dinner!!! Taking a meditative middle age spiritual pilgrimage because you just turned thirty? Where better to think about how old you are … then over a martini AT DINNER!  Like I said, dinner is a must. Lastly, my fourth credential is I’m a serial restaurant goer. If it has more than 4 stars on Resy, trust that I have been there. 

There are a couple main factors that go into picking the perfect birthday restaurant: the interior is most important, your celebration of life should be hosted somewhere worth posting on instagram, (otherwise how will anyone even know it's your birthday?). The restaurant staff should either be fun, or quiet and efficient (a silent staff is a good indicator that the restaurant you picked will make anyone who is not at your bday dinner wish they were). And the camera eats first, it is crucial that the plating of your food looks almost too beautiful to eat. I don’t really care for things to necessarily look delicious but it should look expensive. A warm bowl of mac and cheese? Delicious but the only thing that shows your insta viewer is that you’re gluttonous. Always look at the plating before booking your resy. It’s your birthday, don’t be stingy.

1. AMARENA 

Tucked away at the bottom of Yorkville, Amarena is the most stylish place to pop into after a night at the museum or a stroll through Central Park with your friends. Of course by “pop into” I mean reservations are posted 13 days in advance and are definitely already booked out for the month. The townhouse style restaurant is decorated with fresh victorian style waller paper and deep maroon suede chairs to compliment it. Start off with their decadent espresso martini, which has a slight kick to it due to the raspberry liquor. Take pictures before anyone gets their lipstick prints on that glass, and then again after with lipstick prints on the glass. Remember don’t post at dinner it looks desperate and annoying to facetune your photos at the table. Do it in the car on the way to your next location. 

 Order a round of appetizers for the sake of pictures (obvi), although I would cut to the chase and get the pasta for your main. The “BUCATINI DI POLPO”, which is a spicy octopus pasta dowsed in arrabiata sauce, or the “CAMPANELLE ALLA VODKA”, which is your standard vodka pasta but with a sauce so thick and creamy that, trust me, you’ll love it. If you don't like spicy… stay home or grow up.That’s uncultured and can potentially get you cancelled. Another plus to Amarena is the perfect opportunity to show your friends you’re a true child of the word. What says I'm cultured and well travelled more than authentic italian. Finish your dish with another round of espresso martinis, and have your friends bring your cake to the restaurant ahead of time. The staff will light the candles and bring it out, a sure way to  have all eyes on you (plus no one does restaurant desserts on their birthday anymore, that's tacky). Oh and make sure to take your solo birthday pictures before the first round of food comes out, you’ll thank me later and save like 10 mins of editing.

2. MONKEY BAR 

Monkey Bar has been all the buzz this year, so click out of this article, book a reservation right now, and then come back and keep reading. Definitely book lunch reservations around 2:30pm instead of dinner so you don’t interrupt the snobby businessmen and entitled Park Ave pilates moms with the flash from your camera. Usually I don’t recommend restaurants that have too much Tik Tok chatter around them because then you just seem unoriginal and no one goes to a viral restaurant on your birthday, that takes the mystery out of your public persona. But Monkey Bar is the sole exception. To start off, the interior screams autumn but in a luxurious, and old fashioned way. The walls are covered with an art deco mural filled with jazz icons, I think The Beatles are up there or something. It is accompanied with the softest zebra print carpet. This will make an  absolutely stunning background for all your IG stories. The mural wall will have everyone asking how the hell you scored a birthday resy at Monkey Bar ( make sure you don’t respond to dm’s until at least the next day cause you have to be unreachable on your birthday). Flash photos on your digital camera are okay (again because it’s your birthday) but leave your ring lights at home (that makes you look like you're trying too hard). Really the perfect instagram photo is about the effortlessness of it all. If you want something that gives an effortless city girl, do a little blurry photo moment. Just make sure your friends know the right way to shake the camera and maybe try and do this when it’s not busy or you will look dumb. Bathroom mirror selfies are a must for the group photo. Definitely don’t take a solo mirror selfie on your birthday, or really ever. Why ruin what your canon G7X pro is gonna capture with the common camera of your iphone 17. Plus mirror selfies are for sluts, we aren’t giving Kim K, we're giving Kate Moss. Maybe wear sequins or do an all black thing with your friends, that’ll def give. But insist that it was a coincidence (duh). Oh yeah and the food… It's really good.  Go for the wagyu burger. It's literally the best burger you will eat but take it to go cause who eats a burger on their birthday and don’t put that on insta, fatty <3

3. DYNACO

If you're a true Scorpio and have a love for aesthetics and a moody interior, Dynaco is the bar for you. Mmm I think that might have been the description for Libra, but regardless if you want to stay relevant, you need an unknown bar to impress your friends with. The further outside of Manhattan the better (but not too far, because who even goes past Brooklyn?). Anyways, Dynaco is in Bushwick or Williamsburg… one of the two and it really has that Brooklyn charm to it. Your friends will hate you for making them spend fifty plus on an uber from UES to the middle of nowhere, but they will love how niche you are, and the only thing better than trendy is niche -and Dynaco is sooo niche. You can barely see in the bar due to how dim the lights are but it has all the elements for the perfect little “cool girl” birthday celebration. Take photos in the back near the fireplace and, because no one relevant will be at the bar, you can use flash. Plus, that way everyone will know you're basically an influencer and that’s good for your personal brand. Just don’t overdress, you'll look ridiculous - go for big jeans, tiny top, you’re welcome. No food here, but no one was really checking for that anyways. 

Do like four to five rounds of drinks? It will be cheap, it's Brooklyn. They don’t have a drink menu and they barely have the things to make a cosmopolitan, like I said this is the price of being niche. Go with something spontaneous like an Amaretto sour or a Gin and Tonic. Get wasted and go directly back to Manhattan to club at the Box or The Boom Boom Room. Oh and when you post from the bar don’t tag where you are, we’re gatekeeping. Niche remember!  

The interior of your birthday restaurant means more than the food itself. If you're a pro planner like me though, you know how to get the best of both worlds - if you can score a reservation that is. I’m also a micro influencer. My tiktok is @thatBYACH01. For my help on your birthday outfits you can also shop my link tree down below and use CODE - SHESSOCOOLGIRL on Prettylittlything for 20% off. And remember the most important part about ur birthday is that you have fun - and make sure there’s photo evidence of that! Happy birthday girlies!!

Fleurianne Niboh 

IG: IMTHEECOOLGIRL/INSTA/FOLLOWME.COM

TIKTOK: THATBYACH01/TIKTOK/IMBETTERTHANU/FOLLOW.COM

FLEURIANNE AUTHOR NOTE: ALL THESE RESTAURANTS ARE ACTUALLY AMAZING, THE FOOD IS DELICIOUS, AND ALL VERY GOOD PLACES TO CELEBRATE YOUR BIRTHDAY!!