Broken Down Palace

By Jett Jenkins

Art by Rachel Genito

Everything goes back to childhood -- nature v nurture. I remember being an angry child, and that was part of my nature. I thought I grew out of those anger problems, stabilized them with prozac. I had calmed down, and then of course it all burned down. It started in April when I was content with my life and the people in it. Then I had a head-on bike collision after I turned twenty (not serious, but it’s been almost a year and my knee still hurts). Went to the gynecologist where I found out I have PCOS and endometriosis resulting in me being on diabetes medicine for the rest of my life. My new friends weren’t who I thought they were, my body turned against me, and my mind was trapped. At the beginning of summer, I was a broken down palace screaming and crying at the absurdity of LA streets and Gen-Z third party voters. I was twenty and feeling all those childish emotions again. My urge to punch walls resurfaced, I was a kid crying in the corner, smashing my phone to pieces. A bear trying to find a cozy tree to hide away in but the world was poking me to get a rise out of me. I kept snapping, roaring, trying to claw my way out of the cave I was placed in. I didn’t want to go in, but it was there and everything that existed before me told me to. 

Now I have an IUD and I’m watching Charli xcx’s Boiler Room set, trying to erase The Dare from the video. My past few dreams have had me crying for intimacy. It is what I desire and fear the most, but are they never not the same? Maybe I was crying because I just started birth control (it was, but that’s not the point). I am a girl, a woman, with compassion and kindness, who cries at Uber Eats ads. I am not someone who hasn’t experienced much loyalty or understanding from others. But I produce it. It seeps from me like salty sweat and I let it suffocate me. Until I’m out of air. Until I’ve done all I can to be the person they need and it’s still not enough. I am someone okay with that. I am someone who has been left so many times, I start to prepare for it. I am someone who doesn’t trust that you will keep my words to just us. But I am someone smart enough to continue to love. I am someone who reached my highest emotional intelligence at eighteen and have continued to learn to love in whatever way I can.

The ending is quite simple, but I’ll say a few words to close this out. I’m approaching 21 in April and am starting to slowly understand myself, my limits, my preferences, and my health. I’ve learned to not be afraid of love, but we’ll see how that plays out in the future.