BREAKING NEWS: The Prattler Hits Puberty
Updated: 2 hours ago
Dear Prattlers,
This magazine is going through an identity crisis, and unlike middle school, it can’t be solved with acne medication or gay liberation. By the end of this pubescent transformation, Pratt Admin hopes to see a Prattler that is entirely online (no more printed issues) and without any artsy themes (e.g., Lost in Translation).
In other words, The Powers That Be insist upon a change. Out with new, in with the old. It’s true — this magazine used to be a no nonsense, black and white, male staffed publication. We used to have some respect, goddamnit! Don’t believe me? Check out Pratt Library’s archive of issues from the 1940s. Then check out our most recent ones. From the looks of it, serious news has gone by the wayside. So maybe The Powers That Be have a point. In times of fascist attacks on free speech, in times when college newspapers administer more justice than our “justice” system (we love you, The Cornell Daily Sun), perhaps it is our duty to stop puttering around with poems.
I’m sure this has nothing to do with the fact that Pratt wants to cut printing costs because, despite charging hundreds of thousands in tuition, somehow this school has gotten to the point where weaning student publications and cutting staff healthcare benefits is integral to their survival. I’m sure this has nothing to do with the fact that reducing our president’s salary doesn’t seem to be an option, here.
No, I’m sure it’s just that themes and metaphors are officially out of fashion.
So, as I have been instructed to give these newsletters some altruistic journalistic UMPH, I have no choice but to dutifully comply. Notebook in hand, I decided to nose around campus for some potential tips on the conspiracies and conflicts plaguing our campus.
Earl, our beloved campus cat, has been seen walking with a limp. I found this out on the Fizz app, my first source.
I asked an innocent library goer for the Hot Goss. That’s when I found my second source. They seemed a little scared of me (only natural when approached by a snoopy stranger) but, in the interest of free speech, cast aside their fear. Here’s what I learned: REDACTED, a student on campus, has a scammy brand. The only ‘product’ being sold is a repackaging of other students’ talents, mostly without credit. In fact, REDACTED was caught using someone else’s work and, after being confronted, grovelled for forgiveness in the form of cold hard cash. My source looks down on this charlatan behavior. According to them, this particular case reflects upon the campus culture, saying that, “People get big headed about the talents other people have, even if they don’t have their own.”
Sheesh. Scalding stuff.
This next one took a bit of detective work. I hovered outside an office where two middle aged men were having a juicy conversation. I know recording people is frowned upon, so I wrote as fast as I could in my notebook in order to keep up. The following is a true account of conflict bubbling beneath the surface of Pratt Faculty:
MAN 1 – The ego is the trap, in Orpheus. The myth has to have disaster. It has to. The myth can never be ‘everything turns out good.’ The reason the myth lasts thousands of years—
MAN 2 – Okay, I see why that makes it a powerful myth. But I do not see why disaster needs to be involved.
MAN 1 – So many stories have been written, and so many stories have been lost. The reason the myth lasts is because it has to have a disaster. There has to be a failure. Orpheus had to fail. He had to! Otherwise, we wouldn’t care. That’s the thing about myths. Gods die. Civilizations go to ruin. Otherwise, it’s the easy thing.
MAN 2 – I just never heard the term that the myth always has to be a failure….never heard that that’s always true…
MAN 1 – The lessons have to be complex! Disaster is so much a part of it.
MAN 2 – Right…but you said failure.
MAN 1 – Well, I just used failure as shorthand. I mean, there has to be flaws. Things do go wrong, in real life. Everything goes wrong. It has to be rich in that way. Otherwise it’s fantasy. Fantasy is fine. But I don’t think it’ll survive for 10,000 years.
This investigation sent shivers down my spine. I see a metaphor here about the magazine — the short life spans of fantasy, the disastrous myth, etc. But I’ll let you find it yourself.
My next source told me that Pratt is on a firing spree. Last year and over the summer, up to five people that they know of have been fired, and I’m sure that number barely scrapes the surface. The excuse is always budget issues…budget issues…budget issues…I hear whispers of it everywhere I go. This source also told me that they know of multiple people who have resigned due to budget cuts affecting their job quality. In the spirit of the free press, I demand transparency. My tone might sound flippant, but I assure you my conviction is not.
Some final investigative research by Yours Truly:
In 1940, Issue 2, Volume 1 of the Prattler, the front page featured these words: “FINANCIAL REPORT GIVEN,” followed by a subtitle: “Income Exceeds Expenses.” The Prattler reported that, “For the first time in four years, Mr. Pratt was able to announce that the income from all sources exceeded expenses.”
Ah, how times have changed, Mr. Pratt.
But I can’t help but wonder…where is our financial report? My peers and I would love nothing more than to see a map of the paper trails that pave the path from Point A (tuition payments) to Point B (financial failure). Maybe if they find some room in the budget to equip us with a full reporting staff, which is the only way to make their wish for Serious News come true, we’ll be able to figure it out. Until then, gossip is all I can offer. Take that, fascism! Free speech for the win!
If you’d like to see more no nonsense, black and white newspaper reporting on the goings on at Pratt, feel free to hit our tip line: the-prattler@pratt.edu
Sincerely,
Elisa Edgar
Managing Editor
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